Have you ever been at the grocery store or at the office or ANYWHERE and seen someone you know, and then chit-chat with them a bit, and finally say bye or something similar and then see them five minutes later? You stop and chat and bullshit with them… “Hey I haven’t seen you in ages! How are you? Oh good! Well, I’ll see you around! Bye!” and then you see them again in a matter of minutes. Do you say goodbye again or do you say hello? It’s fucking awkward! I’ve had this happen at the grocery store at least 10 times. I see someone who lives in my neighborhood, who maybe I went to high school with or maybe I know them through my parents, and then like clockwork I see them again before I check-out in the Ethnic Food aisle. Dear god, I hate that! I never know what to say… maybe something like, “oh hey again!” Seriously, fuck my life. And it’s always someone who you don’t especially like.
Then, there’s the double goodbye at the office. ”Have a great evening, guys! I’ll see you all tomorrow.” And then you realize you left your keys on your desk and have to sneak back in. “Oops, forgot my keys. Bye again!” Jesus, I hate that.
I’ll just come out and say it: I cringe when I see people wearing turtlenecks. Maybe it’s because they’re fucking ugly? That’s what I’m thinking. I probably shouldn’t say “people wearing turtlenecks,” when the only person I can think of who dons the ugly beast-o’-a-sweater is Mr. Tom Cruise. Here are a few other reasons I loathe the turtleneck wearer:
1) It makes me think you’re trying to hide something. Tom, are you sure you’re heterosexual?
2) They serve no purpose. Sure your neck is warmer, but isn’t that what scarves are for? Scarves don’t scream “weirdo” or “flaming douchebag,” and you can also take them off whenever you please.
3) They’re essentially sweaters with built-in neck braces. Why taunt those who actually have to wear neck braces? It’s just cruel.
4) They make you look like a retired porn star. I don’t know why, but they just do.
5) They give you instant neck fat rolls. Now, who in their mind would want neck rolls?
Fuck the Hand Sanitizer Gel, I’d Rather Get a Cold
God Damn. Everywhere I look: restrooms, cubicles, cars, nightstands, offices, restaurants, stores, blah-fucking-blah-blah-blah, I see hand sanitizer gel. Why? Because we’re deathly afraid of germs, and viruses like the Swine Flu (which by the way can’t be defeated by gels marketed by powerhouse brands like Purell and Dial). Ever think that maybe our immune systems would be more IMMUNE if we let ourselves live a little and grow some balls?
We’re so fucked up that we won’t even touch the soap pump that PUMPS SOAP. Yeah that’s right: THE FUCKING SOAP PUMP. Jesus fucking christ people. Insert the obligatory we’re-so-fucked-up-about-germs-video:
If There’s No Parking Where You Live You’re Not Worth Dating
Have you ever dated someone who lives right downtown, in the middle of the city, or in the “hip” area of the town, where there’s NO FUCKING PARKING?
I refuse to date or hang out with someone who lives in an area where I can’t find a God damn place to park. Exclamation point. I once had to stop dating someone because I couldn’t find a parking spot within a 1-mile radius of their apartment. It became so stressful that I had to end things immediately. Screw the fact that I lived 15 minutes away from the person. Add an extra half an hour to find parking and the whole situation becomes less desirable. Say your date is at 8 pm. Now you have to leave a whole fucking hour beforehand just to find a parking spot that you pray is within walking distance. Street parking is the worst — and when I say street parking I mean parallel parking on one-way streets.
By the time you DO get out of the car, you’re sweaty and frustrated from the aftermath of maneuvering your piece-of-shit car in the tiny-ass spot you found miles away from your date’s house/apartment. Conclusion? If there’s no nearby parking around, I want nothing to do with you.
Are You Going on a Hike or Going to the Prom? Please Stop Wearing Chacos with Dresses.
Seriously, what’s the deal here? I don’t get it when women wear those extravagant, overly-priced water/hiking shoes — you know, those ugly, make-me-want-to-shake-you-because-you’re-wearing-such-shiteous-shoes called Chacos — and then pair them with a DRESS! I get so many confused messages when I see this look and wish I could ask these women the following:
a) Did you just back from a hike and are too lazy to change your shoes for wherever you’re headed next (“next” meaning a date, YOUR JOB, a wedding, a social event)?
b) Are you fucking insane?
c) Do functions that prompt your decision to wear a dress indicate somewhere that horrid looking hiking sandals are acceptable to wear in place of dress flats/heels?
Why We’re Still Single: Egotistical Dealbreakers and “Must Haves”
These are just some of the many dealbreakers/must-haves/preferences of anxious single people that make me cringe:
"I can’t date a smoker" — Well I can’t date a whiny, controlling bitch who tells me what I can and cannot put in my body. And it’s too bad, because I’m amazing in bed. Besides, I’m killing myself, not you.
"My ideal mate needs to be tall" — Trust me, I’ve dated guys who are over 6"2" and at that height their clothes don’t fit properly, their pants are never long enough, and it hurts my neck every time I reach up to kiss them. No thanks. Buh-bye. See you later. NEXT!
"He/she needs to be open-minded" — That should go without saying. Whenever I read this line, I become suspicious. What exactly do I need to be open-minded about? Is there something else you want to tell me? Like maybe you have a bizarre fetish or are homeless? Just tell me!
"I can’t stand drama" — Life is DRAMA. Get over yourself. And since when did drama have such a negative connotation?
"I prefer someone who likes the outdoors" — Ah shucks, because I like to sit in a room all day and stare at the wall. I only go outside to take out the garbage.
To the 99% of Men on Dating Sites: Stop Uploading Pictures of You and Your Shit-Eating Dog Posed Together on Top of Mt. Scrotum
A considerably high number of single men featured on well-known dating sites think that uploading a picture of their dog onto their profile page will somehow attract women. No, these photos aren’t attracting women; instead the women are thinking: I wonder if he lets his dog up on his bed during intercourse? Do you think he spoons the dog at night when he sleeps? Will his sex talk sound similar to the voice he uses when he talks to his dog? Is he the type who lets his shit-eating dog lick his face?
The hall-of-fame “man on – I mean next to – dog” photos include:
The effeminate computer programmer posing with his family of toy dogs in front of a trail-head sign (the absence of forehead sweat makes me believe he never even walked the trail).
The semi-attractive guy pictured with a pure bred, usually a husky or similar breed that makes up for the owner’s lack of masculinity and adventuresome spirit (you’ll find these photos nicely framed in the guy’s workplace cubicle).
The middle-aged dude posed with at least two dogs. The more-than-one-dog scenario likely means that he’s been single twice as long or that he bought a second dog when the last woman he dated left him. It’s a slumber party every night at his place!
Finally, we have a picture of a dog sitting between his owner’s powdery white and hairy legs, perfectly shielding the viewer(s) from his ball sack bulge… In this situation, thank gah’ for the dah’g!
People Who Say “Yup” Should Be Shot. Yup, I Think That Seems Like a Fitting Punishment.
Grateful Person Says: "I just wanted to thank you again for picking me up at the airport."
Asshole Replies: "Yup."
The Yup response has become ubiquitous. You hear it all the time from every type of person, and I mean everyone: the working professional, the high school student, your boss, your best friend. Whether you’re asking a yes-or-no question or THANKING someone for this, that, or the other, people genuinely seem to love responding with the contextual dirty word, Yup.
Ignorant, uneducated, and sardonic sounding to the ear, I simply despise that made-up word, which appears to have become by accident the new and “hip” breed of the Yes-Yep-Yeah answer. What do I really think? I think it’s a representation of our laziness to be considerate and polite enough to respond with an actual word.
Do you have superhuman strengths? I’m guessing not. Most normal homosapiens lead pretty boring lives that involve work, relationships, one or two hobbies, and occasional sex if they’re lucky. But not James Franco; he DOES have superhuman strengths, and for that I want to punch him in the face. The facts:
Versatile actor and filmmaker (Fair enough, that’s his primary profession)
Artist/Painter (Everyone needs a hobby right?)
A published author (A face like that is able to write well?)
He’s a model, otherwise known as the new face for Gucci’s Men’s Fragrance Line (Jesus Christ, overkill)
He received his MFA from Columbia in 2010, and is now a PhD student in English at Yale (Fuck you)
In 2012, he’ll enter University of Houston’s doctoral program, where he and 20 others — out of 400 applicants — were accepted into (Oh for the love of gaaaawwwwwwwwwd)
The only thing I like about him is his apparent fondness (see below) for cats.
Inspired by Larry David and Louie C.K., I'm just another acerbic bitch who has nothing good to say about anything.
If you haven't figured it out already, I'm here to tell you that you've entered the shit-list zone. I use a lot of colloquialisms in my writing, so if you’re looking for fancy bullshitty poetic prose I encourage you to leave my page. Like now.